R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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