I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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