you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
