they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
