Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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