your parents love me but you hate me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
