if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She announced her abortion via fbk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
