Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
