It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
