Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
