dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
