pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
