he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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