I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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