So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize