he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
