come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
