Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
