i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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