Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
