GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
