He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
