There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
