watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
