I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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