when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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