do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
there is glitter all over my balls
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