my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
