my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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