apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
