ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
