She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
