I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
