So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
