I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
