i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
