Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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