is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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