I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
