Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
