Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
