her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
