My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
