I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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