Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
