The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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