On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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