I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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