i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
