just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
