I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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