dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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