WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
