I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize