dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
