I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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