don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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