if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize