chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
