Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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