Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
