Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
