That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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