why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
