When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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